So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
