The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
