She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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