You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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