My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
