Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
