so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
