I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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