I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
