I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
