is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
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dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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