dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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