I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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