Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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