im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
