To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
