Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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