Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"