either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..