Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?