dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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