I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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