you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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