In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
