Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
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My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
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I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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