the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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