and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize