My friends, they love my intelligence
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This is the high leading the old right now
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
