I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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