Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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