so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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