Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
