Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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