Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
