how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
