i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
