I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
