dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
