when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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