standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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