Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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