it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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