your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
