dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
