my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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