i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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