I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
