I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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