i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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