im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
