I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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