They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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