this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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