Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
