Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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