I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
