i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
