I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
