im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize