Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
