He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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