i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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