I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
